Losing a loved one to suicide is an unthinkable loss for anyone to endure. No one is prepared for it. Only those who have been through it can know how it feels. Not only have you lost someone close to you, you also lost part of yourself and, perhaps, a sense of “normal life”. You won’t be able to get back your friend or loved one, but you can get back, or recover, that feeling of “normal” that you had before this loss.
Suicide Recovery: What It Means?
Recovery means “to get back,” or “to restore.” Recovery is not about “getting over it”. That term doesn’t apply to a suicide recovery. Suicide loss doesn’t go away. You can’t get back to who you were before the loss. You can, however, recover to a different normal, a “new normal.” You will always remember your loss and how it made you feel, but you can move through it and get to the other side of it. That is what recovery is all about. It is about being self-aware, learning how to deal with new challenges and getting to the point where you are living with your grief instead of only grieving.
The overwhelming feelings of sadness, anxiety, pain, and depression gradually become more manageable and eventually move into the background so that your personal activities, like school and social functions, become less of a strain and more routine again.
Recovery is not passive. It’s not just letting things take their course. It is active, and you have to work at it…and towards it. Recovery is the goal of your journey through suicide grief.
What is the first step to recovery?
Realize that what you are feeling is normal. What happened to you and to the one that you lost is abnormal. Suicide is the most abnormal death, and suicide loss is the most abnormal loss, but your emotional response to them is normal.
Suicide is a severe, traumatic loss. It is sudden. It is unexpected. It may have been violent. You may feel like things are out of control. You may feel angry, disoriented, hurt. Maybe you feel guilt or responsibility that you should have or could have done something to prevent this. You have lost your emotional bearings, and few of us have anything in our past experience to help us cope. However, for most of us, the intensity of what you are feeling will pass in time. How long that takes depends on you, your resilience, and the support you receive, so that you can arrive at your “new normal.” You are taking the first steps now by learning some things that can help you on this journey.
What can I expect during my recovery?
- Expect the “WHY?” question. You may be stuck on it for months or even years. We all want the answer and need the answer. Sometimes we find it, sometimes we don’t. At some point we just have to reach a general understanding that what happened, just happened. What we do know is that every suicide is different and the circumstance leading up to it are as different as there are people on the planet. And we know that it is the overwhelming sense of pain and hopelessness that can lead someone to suicide. We may never know the source of the pain that our loved one felt. And if we did, we may not understand why he found it so troubling.
- Expect the “WHY DIDN’T I KNOW?” question. This is another question that you may struggle with for a long time. It is very hard to determine when someone is at very high risk of suicide. Many of those who are suffering make efforts to hide it. And teenagers tend to act on impulse and don’t give anyone a chance to help them. While there are several distinct warning signs, not every suicidal person shows signs of their risk or danger. Even when there is concern, it is very hard to accept that someone you know so well, and would do anything for, may be suicidal. It is important that you don’t go over and over events looking for signs you may have missed. That will only make it more difficult for you. Instead, acknowledge your powerlessness over the situation and take care of yourself by seeking out support to help you handle your own grief.
- Expect the “WHY DIDN’T MY LOVED ONE TELL ME AND GIVE ME A CHANCE TO HELP?” question. Some people find it very hard to ask for help. Some individuals may not want to burden others, or feel shame at being suicidal. Sometimes personal and religious beliefs may cause them to keep their feelings to themselves. Being in intense pain is very consuming and alienating. It makes the sufferer distant from others and their only focus is to stop the pain. Most suicidal people don’t really want to die; they just want to end their pain and hopelessness. Just because our loved ones didn’t talk to us about what they were feeling, it doesn’t mean they didn’t care for us. They were focusing on stopping their pain. Tunnel vision is part of being suicidal.
What can I do to help with my recovery?
- Acknowledge your loss as a suicide and give yourself some time to get your bearings.
- Seek out support. Learn more about suicide and try to answer some of your “why” questions. But accept that it may be difficult to find the answers.
- Accept that when you begin to arrive at your “new normal” you are not leaving your loved one or friend behind. You are just returning to wellness and what is healthy for you.
- Be aware that you may have to deal with “triggers,” those things that hit unexpectedly that may remind you of your loss. Things like events, holidays, and anniversaries can be especially hard. Another trigger may be the death of someone else or the loss of a pet. You may find yourself taking this harder than expected because your grief is still so raw and open.
- Don’t let others set unrealistic goals for you.
- And realize that we all grieve in our own way. We all have to go down our own road to recovery
- Don’t be reluctant to seek help if you feel you need it through support groups or gaining information from sources, such as American Association of Suicidology (www.suicidology.org). It might mean going to your doctor or school counselor or even sometimes getting help from a mental health professional like a psychologist or a therapist.
You can also call the Teen Link telephone helpline or chat with a counselor online. Teen Link is a program of the Crisis Center. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone who is trained to help or to someone who doesn’t know you.
