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If
You Have Lost Someone to Suicide
Losing a loved one to
suicide is an unthinkable loss for anyone to endure. No one is prepared
for it. Only those who have been through it can know how it feels. Not
only have you lost someone close to you, you also lost part of yourself
and, perhaps, a sense of “normal life”. You won’t be able to get back
your friend or loved one, but you can get back, or recover, that feeling
of “normal” that you had before this loss.
Suicide Recovery:
What It Means?
Recovery means “to get
back,” or “to restore.” Recovery is not about “getting over it”. That
term doesn’t apply to a suicide recovery. Suicide loss doesn’t go away.
You can’t get back to who you were before the loss. You can, however,
recover to a different normal, a “new normal.” You will always remember
your loss and how it made you feel, but you can move through it and get
to the other side of it. That is what recovery is all about. It is
about being self-aware, learning how to deal with new challenges and
getting to the point where you are living with your grief instead of
only grieving.
The overwhelming
feelings of sadness, anxiety, pain, and depression gradually become more
manageable and eventually move into the background so that your personal
activities, like school and social functions, become less of a strain
and more routine again.
Recovery is not
passive. It’s not just letting things take their course. It is active,
and you have to work at it…and towards it. Recovery is the goal of your
journey through suicide grief.
What is the
first step to recovery?
Realize that what you
are feeling is normal.
What happened to you and to the one that you lost is abnormal. Suicide
is the most abnormal death, and suicide loss is the most abnormal loss,
but your emotional response to them is normal.
Suicide is a severe,
traumatic loss. It is sudden. It is unexpected. It may have been
violent. You may feel like things are out of control. You may feel
angry, disoriented, hurt. Maybe you feel guilt or responsibility that
you should have or could have done something to prevent this. You have
lost your emotional bearings, and few of us have anything in our past
experience to help us cope. However, for most of us, the intensity of
what you are feeling will pass in time. How long that takes depends on
you, your resilience, and the support you receive, so that you can
arrive at your “new normal.” You are taking the first steps now by
learning some things that can help you on this journey.
What can I
expect during my recovery?
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Expect the “WHY?” question. You may be stuck on it for months or even years. We
all want the answer and need the answer. Sometimes we find it,
sometimes we don’t. At some point we just have to reach a general
understanding that what happened, just happened. What we do know is
that every suicide is different and the circumstance leading up to
it are as different as there are people on the planet. And we know
that it is the overwhelming sense of pain and hopelessness that can
lead someone to suicide. We may never know the source of the pain
that our loved one felt. And if we did, we may not understand why
he found it so troubling.
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Expect the “WHY DIDN’T I KNOW?” question.
This is another question that you may struggle with for a long
time. It is very hard to determine when someone is at very high
risk of suicide. Many of those who are suffering make efforts to
hide it. And teenagers tend to act on impulse and don’t give anyone
a chance to help them. While there are several distinct warning
signs, not every suicidal person shows signs of their risk or
danger. Even when there is concern, it is very hard to accept that
someone you know so well, and would do anything for, may be
suicidal. It is important that you don’t go over and over events
looking for signs you may have missed. That will only make it more
difficult for you. Instead, acknowledge your powerlessness over the
situation and take care of yourself by seeking out support to help
you handle your own grief.
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Expect the “WHY
DIDN’T MY LOVED ONE TELL ME AND GIVE ME A CHANCE TO HELP?” question.
Some people find it very hard to ask for help. Some individuals
may not want to burden others, or feel shame at being suicidal.
Sometimes personal and religious beliefs may cause them to keep
their feelings to themselves. Being in intense pain is very
consuming and alienating. It makes the sufferer distant
from others and their only focus is to stop the pain. Most suicidal
people don’t really want to die; they just want to end their pain
and hopelessness. Just because our loved ones didn’t talk to us
about what they were feeling, it doesn’t mean they didn’t care for
us. They were focusing on stopping their pain. Tunnel vision is
part of being suicidal.
What can I do
to help with my recovery?
· Acknowledge
your loss as a suicide and give yourself some time to get your
bearings.
Seek out support. Learn more about suicide and try to answer some
of your “why” questions. But accept that it may be difficult to find
the answers.
Accept that when you begin to arrive at
your “new normal” you are not leaving your loved one or friend
behind. You are just returning to wellness and what is healthy for
you.
Be aware that you may have to deal with
“triggers,” those things that hit unexpectedly that may remind you
of your loss. Things like events, holidays, and anniversaries can be
especially hard. Another trigger may be the death of someone else
or the loss of a pet. You may find yourself taking this harder than
expected because your grief is still so raw and open.
And realize that we
all grieve in our own way. We all
have to go down our own road to recovery. Don’t
let others set unrealistic goals for you.
Don’t be reluctant
to seek help if you feel you need it through support groups or
gaining information from sources, such as American Association of
Suicidology (www.suicidology.org).
It might mean going to your doctor or school counselor or even
sometimes getting help from a mental health professional like a
psychologist or a therapist.
You can also call the
Teen Link telephone helpline or chat with a counselor online. Teen Link
is a program of the Crisis Center. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to
someone who is trained to help or to someone who doesn’t know you.
Click (here)
for information about Talking with a Counselor
Click (here)
for Information about Chatting Online with a Counselor
Sources: Survivors of
Suicide, Inc., Folcroft, PA. 2004 Recovering From Suicide Loss
American
Association of Suicidology |
