Anger

What is anger?

All of us feel angry now and then…it is a normal human emotion.  It can be mild to intense.  It can be caused by worries about an upcoming exam, relationship problems, a parent's annoying behavior, and everything in-between.  When we get angry, we actually experience physical changes in our body such as increased heart rate, blood pressure, and adrenaline.

Anger isn't wrong or bad, it's a defense mechanism.  It lets you, and those around you, know that something isn't right, that someone is doing something that you don't like. 

• When we deal with it in a positive way, anger can motivate us to stand up for ourselves and fight injustices.

• BUT, when we deal with anger in a negative way, anger can lead us to violence and injury.  It is when we express anger in an unhealthy way that it becomes dangerous. Uncontrolled anger can cost you a lot.  It can affect your friendships, your family, your relationships, your school performance, work, and on and on.  

The important thing to understand and remember is this -

You have the ultimate choice in how you
will respond in every situation.

The goal of anger management is to reduce the feelings that anger causes.  You aren't going to be able to avoid the people or things that infuriate you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.  The true power is in developing a number of ways that can help you to overcome the negative impact of your anger.

What are some anger management strategies?

The first step in dealing with anger is to acknowledge it.  You know you are angry. Deal with it. But deal with it in a way that is powerful and mature.  Shouting, screaming, or using physical violence is not powerful - it is childish and immature.  When you realize that your anger is escalating, change your thinking.  When we are angry, our thinking can get exaggerated and overly dramatic.  We tend to “overreact” to things.  We tell ourselves, "This is awful", "This is terrible", and "Everything's ruined".  We become irrational thinkers.  Our thoughts then begin to feed our anger, and the anger gets worse.  Then the thoughts become even more distorted, and the anger gets even worse.  This is a cycle that you must learn to break.  When you stop those types of thoughts, you can see the situation more clearly, not through the fog of anger.  The anger soon decreases, because it has nothing to feed upon.  

Anger management techniques focus on replacing irrational thoughts with more positive thoughts.  Instead of getting angry and mad, tell yourself, "It's frustrating and I'm upset, but it's not really the end of the world."  Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, and that it's not going to make you feel better.  Anger will probably even make you feel worse.

When you are upset, be careful about using words like "never" or "always" when talking about someone else. "You're always late" or "You never call me" is just not accurate. Statements like these justify your anger and make you feel there is no solution for the problem.  These kinds of statements can also isolate you from people who just might have been willing to work with you on a solution.  Instead, allow the other person to be right. Tell yourself you have plenty of time to be right later.  Your goal right now is to decrease your anger so you can see the situation clearly

Another thought changer is to remind yourself that the world is not out to get you.  You are just experiencing the normal events of life.  That's all.  It's not a bad thing, it just is. It's just life happening.  Remind yourself of this whenever you experience an event, good or bad, tragedy or triumph. It will help you keep perspective and stay balanced.

Are there other techniques for managing anger?

Yes, here are some other techniques that might be helpful.

• STOP BLAMING OTHERS - Blaming others is one of the best ways to keep anger going.  Stop it.  By blaming others, you are giving others the power.  By taking responsibility, you are taking back control.  Stop and see the situation (truly see the situation) through your opponent's eyes.  And when we stop blaming others, we let go of resentments.  Few things make us as angry as expectations that have not been met.  Be insightful about your expectations of others.  Are they realistic?  Let go of unrealistic expectations.  Watch your resentment fade.

• CHANGE YOUR APPROACH TO PROBLEM SOLVING - Sometimes, we feel angry because of problems that are very real and seem un-fixable.  Remember, not all anger is bad and it can be a very natural response to a very real situation.  But, in this culture we tend to think that every problem has a solution, and then we get angry and frustrated when we find out that's not always so.  The goal, then, is not  the solution to the problem, but how you face the problem and how you handle it.  Your goal is to give it your best, but not to beat yourself up if the problem can't be solved.  By knowing you've done all you could, you are less likely to lose patience and get into the all-or-nothing way of thinking.

• REMOVE YOURSELF - If you get angry to the point of being destructive, remove yourself from the situation.  Some people do this mentally (example, counting to 10 or 20...or 30) before calmly getting back into the situation.  Other people have to literally remove themselves by leaving the room.  Figure out what works best for you and use this technique to give yourself some time before you lose control.

• KEEP TO THE ISSUE - When we get ramped up with anger, we tend to bring up everything the person ever said or did that made us mad.  Don’t do this.  Bringing up old stuff just clouds the issue and won’t help to solve this problem. Stick to the issues at hand.  Explain the issue as you see it, by using the “I messages”:  

I feel ____________because_____________.

This keeps the focus on your true feelings and the other person doesn’t feel attacked.

• BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF - There is a difference between an inconvenience and a valid reason to be really mad.  Somebody getting better grades, being luckier, or doing something better are not reasons to be mad.  Zoom back and ask yourself why you are really mad.  Sometimes we misdirect our anger onto others.

Once you have calmed down, you have regained your power and control.

Now think of a mature way to handle the situation.  Every situation is different, but the general rule of thumb is to express your feelings, with respect for both yourself and the other person.  You are not bad or weak if you tell them you feel angry and if you show respect.  It is from that point that you can begin to work it out.

These things may help but it also might be a good idea to get some extra help from someone who is trained in anger management.  That might mean going to your doctor or school counselor or even sometimes getting help from a mental health professional like a psychologist or another kind of therapist.  You can also contact Teen Link.  Teen Link is a program of the Crisis Center.  Sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone who is trained to help or to someone who doesn’t know you.

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