Abusive Relationships

What is abuse?

Violence or abuse in a relationship is about one person behaving in a way that intimidates the other person…to get them to do what they want.  Studies show that in these types of relationships, males are usually the abusers and females are usually the victims.  Abuse is not just about physical violence.  Other kinds of abuse are emotional abuse and sexual abuse.  These can be just as harmful as physical violence.

Physical abuse

Usually a relationship doesn’t start out violent, but the physical abuse starts after the two people have known each other for a while.  Examples of physical abuse are hitting, slapping, pushing, pulling hair, choking, throwing objects, driving a car dangerously to frighten, or threatening to harm another person.  Some early warning signs that are characteristic of an abuser are going into a rage when disappointed or frustrated, tripping, pushing, or threatening to injure.

Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse is when a girlfriend or boyfriend calls names, ignores, or puts the other person down.  A boyfriend may be jealous of the time spent with her friends and may question his girlfriend on every detail of her activities.  He may criticize the clothes she wears or may deliberately try to humiliate her in front of other people.  Another example of emotional abuse is if a partner threatens to hurt himself or other people if the relationship is ended.

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse involves being pressured or forced to do sexual things. It doesn’t have to be physical force…if you are manipulated or coerced into having sex when you don’t want to or emotional blackmail is used to talk you into having sex (like being told, “If you really loved me, you would”), that is sexual abuse.  Sexual abuse also involves being sexually assaulted when you have been drinking, taking drugs, or are asleep or unconscious and not aware of what is happening.

Do you think you are being abused?  

If you think something is wrong, it probably is.  Can you answer yes to any of these questions?

• Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid your partner’s anger?

• Are you scared of disagreeing with him?

• Does your partner humiliate or criticize you in front of other people?

• Does he ever tell you that if you changed he wouldn’t abuse you?

• Does your partner prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do?

• Has he ever scared you with violence or threats?

• Is your partner always checking up on you or questioning you about what you do when you are not with him?

• Does he repeatedly accuse you of flirting with other people?

• Does he say he will hurt or kill himself if you break up with him?

Maybe you answered yes to some of these questions but still think it’s not that bad.  But love does not mean being put down, or slapped, or embarrassed in front of your friends, or yelled at or being controlled by or afraid of the person.  You have the right to be treated with respect and to not be harmed physically or emotionally by another person.  Violence and abuse are not acceptable in any relationship.  It is not your fault if you are being abused.  You don’t have to settle for an abusive relationship.

So what do I do if I think I am being abused?

• Take it seriously.  Trust yourself.  Trust your feelings.  If you think something is wrong, it probably is wrong.

• Take care of yourself.  Make sure you are safe.  Think through a plan of action so that you can feel more in control of a situation the next time it happens.

• Find support.  People who are in violent relationships tend to isolate themselves, especially if you are going out with someone who controls your time.

• Demand respect.  Point out the ways you are being hurt physically, emotionally, and sexually.  But be realistic.  Don’t think the violence and abuse will just stop.  Violent behavior doesn’t disappear on its own.

• Find help.  Tell someone… a counselor, a teacher, a minister, a doctor.

You can also contact Teen Link.  Teen Link is a program of the Crisis Center.  Sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone who is trained to help or to someone who doesn’t know you.

Click (here) for information about Talking with a Counselor

Click (here) for Information about Chatting Online with a Counselor