Abusive Relationships

We often think that only physical abuse—a punch or a slap—is abuse.  But abuse can take many forms.  Abusers use their words to degrade and threaten.  They use their physical size to intimidate.  They use sex as a way to control or demean the other person.

If you think you may be in an abusive relationship…

If you are unsure if you are in an abusive relationship, there are warning signs that you can look for.  Some warning signs for an abusive relationship include: jealousy, quick involvement, always blaming others for their problems or feelings, isolation, cruelty to animals, tight control over finances, or manipulation through guilt. 

Does your partner scare you, threaten you, or use weapons around you?

Does your partner always need to be in control of the relationship?

Does your partner blame you for their actions and feelings?

Does your partner force you to have sex?

 You know your relationship and your partner better than anyone else does.  Only you can make the safest decisions about your relationship.  You may be in greater danger if you try to end or leave the relationship.  There are people who can help you to understand what is happening and who can help you plan for your safety.  You can call the Domestic Violence Crisis Line –322-HURT any time, day or night. NO ONE deserves to be abused.

If you have a friend in an abusive relationship…

Helping and supporting someone in an abusive relationship may take a long time because she or he needs to act according to their own timetable.  Listen to your friend without blaming, and put aside your judgment and opinions.  You can let them know that you are concerned about their safety and well being.  Remember that an abusive relationship can be very dangerous, and only the person in one can know when it is safe to leave.  Focus on empowering them to safely escape the abusive relationship.  Listen to them and support their decisions.  Give them information on how they can get help, such as the Domestic Violence Crisis Line at 322-4878.

If you are a parent who thinks your teenager might be in an abusive relationship…

Teenage dating violence is on the rise.  Estimates are that 1 in 3 girls will have an abusive dating experience by the time she graduates high school.  But boys are experiencing abusive relationships as well.   As a concerned parent, you are not alone.  You may want to watch out for the following warning signs in your teenager’s boyfriend or girlfriend:

Uses name-calling or says mean things to your child

Purchases a pager or cellular phone in order to be in continuous contact with your child

Monopolizes all of your child’s time

Isolates your child from family and friends

Makes your child feel insecure or inferior

Blames or accuses your child of wearing provocative clothes or flirting with others

Possessive

Jealous

Says “I love you” too soon

Uses drugs and alcohol

Coerces your child sexually

When confronting your child about their dating relationship, do so in a very warm, supportive manner.  Here are some questions to ask your teenager that may encourage them to discuss their relationship:

What happens when your partner doesn’t get his or her way?

Is your partner extremely jealous?

Does your partner ever threaten you?

Does your partner ever tell you what to wear or how to do your hair?

Does your partner ever hold you down, push you, or hit you?

Does your partner ever try to keep you from seeing other friends or family or from doing things you like to do?

Focusing on the idea that love is a behavior may be very helpful for your teenager to see the relationship and their partner’s behavior from a different perspective.  Ask your child, “Is that loving behavior?” and “Would you do that to them?”   As a parent, there is legal and psychological help that you can turn to depending on your unique situation.  But the first step is to talk with your teenager, discuss the relationship honestly, and try to get them to see the potential dangers in their relationship.

For additional assistance on how to approach your child or the steps to take after you do, please call the Domestic Violence Crisis Line at 322-HURT.